Saturday, January 11, 2014

Day 2

hey all . . . . I ran/walked . . . . . technically SLOGGED thru 2 1/2 miles today. I worked for about 6 hours and got so much done . . . . . I can to two days worth of work when left alone. I got home, changed clothes (I still want my real workout clothes that I don't have access to right now) and went to an old familiar place. in Ashville there is an industrial park and also baseball fields . . . . there is a 0.8 mile loop around the sewage lagoon. I know, sounds lovely but it really isn't bad. This is the same loop that I used to run years ago when I lived in Ashville with Mona. She'd ride her bike while I ran. 4 loops equals 5 miles . . . . I actually trained for two marathons on this loop. I did three loops plus a little extra for good measure . . . . some walking some running . . . . It will take some time but I will be getting back in shape and losing weight. THOUGHTS DURING THE RUN: actually, I started off reflecting and praying. My prayer is simple . . . . make it go away. Protect my step-daughters-they need all the help they can get. I miss the girls but I know that I will never see or speak to them again. I have met and sort of "adopted" a 17 year old that works at the Mex joint. NO, I AM NOT A PERVERT . . . NOTHING LIKE THAT. This girl is shocking. She is nothing like the girls I had to leave but still love. This girl is in school . . . . works TWO jobs, has a horse and takes care of it. I don't say this to diminish my step daughters but it took an act of congress to get them to put dishes in the sink. This child has two freaking jobs AND takes care of a horse. Heck, once things are done I may have to check out her mom! LOL I wanted so badly to take care of the step-girls but that has gone away . . . . maybe I should make this young lady a beneficiary? I know . . . . all that had nothing to do with running but my mind races while my body moves slowly . . . .and that's the way it is.

Thursday, January 09, 2014

The First Day of the Rest of MY Life

Yep . . . . that is what I am considering today. My life has been on hold since Nov. 17. Some of you know, some don't. I can't say much about but know that there has been no respite for the last seven weeks, give or take. Tonight when I got home I finally put on my big boy panties and said "screw it". I can't believe some of the things that I have accomplished earlier in my life and have let it all get away from me. My first run in probably close to two years-very cathartic. For the challenged among you it means purging of emotions. I definitely needed that. My run in and of itself was nothing spectacular. In fact, compared to years ago, it was downright embarrassing. Way out of shape, way overweight, life out of control. I need a focus so I am going back to basics. I've always found that my best thinking is done while I run and considering my 1 mile of walking and 1 mile of running I had lots of time to think. Philosophical Musings: If you are familiar with my blog from years ago you know that I always claimed to be running away from the FATMAN that chases me . . and the SOB looks just like me-imagine that. As I was enjoying the cool darkness and running thru the trees on a gravel road I began thinking . . . . the FATMAN caught me a long time ago. Even though I am running from him still there are other things, things deeper down within that I cannot seem to escape. the last couple of months have been filled with self pity and hope. The self pity is gone. The hope-never existed. I also would like to note that not only am I running AWAY from something but I am also running TOWARDS something. I am running away (and have been) from the pain and grief of loss eight years ago. Part of the reason that I find myself alone now is because I just couldn't let go of that pain. I am running away from a first failed marriage from a million years ago. I still want to blame myself but in all honesty I did nothing wrong but I'm better for that split. I am also running from current events. I cannot say much or I'm likely to be in trouble with lawyers, police, etc. I will say this . . . . I am running from the mistake of not having been the best person or husband I could have been. I am running from the fact that I was #4 in a four person family. I am running from the fact that no matter how much I tried to fix things, there is no forgiveness or love there, only bitterness and hate. I am running from the fact that I brought ruination on three innocents and destroyed my life along with that. I am sorry. God has forgiven me. I'm beginning to forgive myself. Show me your nail scared hands and feet an I will respect your opinion. I am also running towards something. Lots of somethings. I am running towards a better life. I am running to a love that will put me first. I am running to a future that holds so much for me that I've yet to imagine. I am running to a COMPLETE life, not a life of strife and sorrow. I am running towards more 5ks, 10ks, marathons. I'm running to my 34 jeans. I'm running to a loving partner that will put me first. I'm not running to impress . . . no, no. I am running because I was at my best when I ran. I loved best when I ran. I was loved the most when I ran. I run because I finally realized . . . . I love myself. Sweet dreams.

Friday, January 03, 2014

Welcome back

Hey all . . . yeah I've been neglectful in lots of aspects of my life. It is time for Jim time. I need to recapture the desire and inspiration that led me to running a 3:48 marathon almost six years ago. I think the trick is balance and that is something that I have forgotten. I hope you will join me in helping me recapture my mispent middle age!