Thursday, January 09, 2014

The First Day of the Rest of MY Life

Yep . . . . that is what I am considering today. My life has been on hold since Nov. 17. Some of you know, some don't. I can't say much about but know that there has been no respite for the last seven weeks, give or take. Tonight when I got home I finally put on my big boy panties and said "screw it". I can't believe some of the things that I have accomplished earlier in my life and have let it all get away from me. My first run in probably close to two years-very cathartic. For the challenged among you it means purging of emotions. I definitely needed that. My run in and of itself was nothing spectacular. In fact, compared to years ago, it was downright embarrassing. Way out of shape, way overweight, life out of control. I need a focus so I am going back to basics. I've always found that my best thinking is done while I run and considering my 1 mile of walking and 1 mile of running I had lots of time to think. Philosophical Musings: If you are familiar with my blog from years ago you know that I always claimed to be running away from the FATMAN that chases me . . and the SOB looks just like me-imagine that. As I was enjoying the cool darkness and running thru the trees on a gravel road I began thinking . . . . the FATMAN caught me a long time ago. Even though I am running from him still there are other things, things deeper down within that I cannot seem to escape. the last couple of months have been filled with self pity and hope. The self pity is gone. The hope-never existed. I also would like to note that not only am I running AWAY from something but I am also running TOWARDS something. I am running away (and have been) from the pain and grief of loss eight years ago. Part of the reason that I find myself alone now is because I just couldn't let go of that pain. I am running away from a first failed marriage from a million years ago. I still want to blame myself but in all honesty I did nothing wrong but I'm better for that split. I am also running from current events. I cannot say much or I'm likely to be in trouble with lawyers, police, etc. I will say this . . . . I am running from the mistake of not having been the best person or husband I could have been. I am running from the fact that I was #4 in a four person family. I am running from the fact that no matter how much I tried to fix things, there is no forgiveness or love there, only bitterness and hate. I am running from the fact that I brought ruination on three innocents and destroyed my life along with that. I am sorry. God has forgiven me. I'm beginning to forgive myself. Show me your nail scared hands and feet an I will respect your opinion. I am also running towards something. Lots of somethings. I am running towards a better life. I am running to a love that will put me first. I am running to a future that holds so much for me that I've yet to imagine. I am running to a COMPLETE life, not a life of strife and sorrow. I am running towards more 5ks, 10ks, marathons. I'm running to my 34 jeans. I'm running to a loving partner that will put me first. I'm not running to impress . . . no, no. I am running because I was at my best when I ran. I loved best when I ran. I was loved the most when I ran. I run because I finally realized . . . . I love myself. Sweet dreams.

1 comment:

Aunt Susan said...

Oh that was GOOD. Just keep running toward that good life, you will get there. Don't run backwards looking at all the yuck behind you, just keep looking forward to all the good stuff God has for you. Be patient, let the hurts heal and you will have that peace and joy that you so want. I love ya kid (I am still older you know).Keep up the good work.